Found this on a blog and thought I'd share it since I've encountered quite a few of these since being engaged to Matt!!
*I would also like to not that I do not find all the things on here offensive. Some are "duh" questions and others I think are just a little thoughtless. I understand, that like in death, people are trying to say the "right" thing or be supportive in the way/s they know how...and a lot of the time it's just a "foot in mouth" kind of moment. That being said, I really try not to get irritated/annoyed/upset/offended when someone says something similar to what's here. I think until you are really in a situation, you just don't know how to put yourself in that person's shoes.
**the comments made after the Things Not to Say came with the blog...my additional notes will be after the ** and will be italicized and signed by me.
1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought
always lingers at the backs of our minds -- but thanks, brilliant, you just brought it back to the front.
Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.
2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, it's just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us
military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious, single moms who
carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter
that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So, we rose to the challenge
and found the strength to make sacrifices.)
**For the record, this one does not bother me. Unless the context says otherwise. ~Me
3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do
they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over
there.)
**Amen! ~Me
4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask
again)
**I'll admit...I have asked Matt before...and that's because I genuinely did not know. I don't
think everyone just KNOWS when they can and cannot come home. A friend of mine told me that
in her husband's branch of the military, a man's deployment can be pushed back if his wife is
pregnant so he can be there for the birth. I asked Matt if this applied to him, too, and he told me
that the Marines don't have that. I'm still learning, and I try to give others that extra space to
learn, too. But, I can also see how this question, asked often enough, can get irritating.
5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy."
6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.)
7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(Sure, we do learn coping skills and it's true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier
dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make like go smoother while the guys are gone. But
it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there
before. The worry never goes away.)
**I have yet to experience a deployment, but I feel sorry for the person who tells me this down the road! Along with that, one week, one month, six months, a year..any length of deployment is scary and hard. It's not a contest who's husband has deployed or been away longer than the other. No one ever wants their spouse to be put in harms way, no matter the time frame. So, I'd appreciate comments, like "Well...6 months? It could be longer, at least it's not a whole year or more!" to be held back. People apparently DO say these things! A friend of mine is going through her third deployment with her husband and she told me a lady told her "oh 6 months is not a long time" (or something to that nature) the day after he deployed. Ignorance really gets me...~Me
8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to
London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 6-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the
obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D..your
husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to..he flew comfortably on a commercial plane,
slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no
comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we
probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 months combat deployment to a few weeks business
trip is like comparing a shitty ford taurus with mercedes convertible.)
9. "Wow you must miss him?"
(This one also gets another big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they're now divorced.)
10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folk to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by
now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada
al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that
Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has
been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not
secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day --and on maps everywhere.)
**The response to that may be a little harsh. I am geographically challenged and while I have
HEARD of these places, I couldn't tell you exactly where they are (though I do know where Iran is and that is IS a threat to our country). I think the intention is good and it is just polite conversation. But again, I'm sure spouses of deployed men hear this question A LOT and it could get tiresome. ~Me
11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there."
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)
**I'm going to piggy-back off this and add "You knew what you were getting yourself into"
(in response to me expressing whatever feelings I'm having about military life): I feel I have
heard this A LOT in the past year since moving to California. I didn't weigh the pro's and con's of
being married to Matt. You love who you love, you don't try to make it "logical". I didn't care, I
fell in love with him. He just so happens to be a Marine. So, ya ya ya, while I knew what I was
"getting myself into", it does not make the idea of deployments/future moves around the country
(or world)/raising kids on my own/being away from my family and life long friends/etc. any easier.
And, you know, it's just not a very supportive thing to say..I can think of a hundred acceptable
words of support and encouragement that are not "you knew what you signed up for". True, I'm
more prepared to brace myself to cope than if it was completely sprung upon me, but one can only
prepare so much. Just food for thought! :) ~Me
12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!"
(hmmmm, no I don't miss sex, I'm a robot. Seriously...military spouses learn quickly that our relationships
must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply
hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth
is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)
**they make toys for that. ~Me
13. "Well, in my opinion....."
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political
debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a restaurant when I'm
out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers
about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking
care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues
because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how
much they hate the President, esp. while we're trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office
microwaves.)
**Well, unless it's a good friend or someone who knows your business, I don't know how
those topics would come up in those kinds of places, but I'm all for getting opinions that are
supportive. But I get what the person here is saying. I've never been through a deployment so I
can't really speak from that angle. ~Me
14. "OH, that's horrible...I'm so sorry!"
(He's doing his job and he's tough. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your
comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)
**Eh, I personally think the response to that may be a little harsh. I think mainly because of the "comfortable American lives" comment..you can't always assume that someone hasn't gone through really, really hard times...just because they may not be in a military family does not mean they are comfortable. That part bothers me, obviously the writer is irritated. Moving on.... in the right context, I don't have a problem with this statement. I would not take it the wrong way if I called my friend up saying that my husband is getting deployed and she says "oh Lauren I'm sorry!". Well, of course she doesn't have to be sorry, for the reasons stated above. BUT, I can understand someone being sad/sorry that half my heart is going away, and towards danger..and that I may miss Christmas, or our birthdays, or some other special day with him...or what if I'm pregnant and he's away? I think someone can genuinely be sorry that I will be going through a hard time, as well as the love of my life. But Matt had a different response, and I think he understands that in a different context it can be taken as a typical knee-jerk response and that it DOES bother spouses. It's like "what are you sorry for?" and in times the response is more like "uh...well I'm not but that sucks." (duh). He explained it better to me than I can relay on here. I guess I will understand when the time comes. But as I think about it now, women I know who have told me their beloved is deploying, I don't I ever told them I was sorry. I am pretty sure my first response is "Oh goodness, when is he supposed to leave? If there is anything I can do for you, you just let me know. I'm always here." I guess just offering your support is the most you can do. And ya, I'll say "I'm so sorry" when down the line the female is talking about how hard it is, how much she misses him..What else can you say? I AM sorry you're hurting :( I am here for you. But, again, this is all just my opinion.
Military livin' ain't easy! But, boy, is it an adventure...
No comments:
Post a Comment